4:40 p.m. - Tuesday, May. 03, 2011
The Times
I sat outside the State University's cafe . . .watching people go in and out, trying to decide if I could take that first brave step and enter it on my own. Finally, after double checking with the university's website, I decided it was OK. In a time before laptops and wireless internet, I probably would have turned right back around and gone home. Home to the comfort of my regularly scheduled pit stop to Panera Bread and Tuesday night hula hooping class. My Tuesday routine consists of begrudgingly driving onto campus, taking the shuttle to my building, running into the classroom, staying in the room with a prepacked lunch, and running back to the shuttle immediately after class. I hate big places. Hate college-aged kids. Hate state universities most of all. Memories of not being able to leave my room . . .memories of feeling like I was being watched. Memories of failing.
But today is a new day. Today, I'm a graduate student in a competitive urban education program at a big state university. Today, I have to attend a late night lecture after class. I could have lowered my eyes to the ground and shuffled unnoticed out of class . . .leaving them wondering why I didn't make it to the lecture. But I'm here. Chewing rubbery tofu and hard rice in the university's cafe.
So is change possible? The choice was different, yes - but the feeling is the same. I still feel terror - I just sit with it instead of try to alleviate it. Is this change?
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