2:37 p.m. - Monday, Jan. 24, 2011
Cancellation
I could feel my heart was closed in the car on the way there. Maybe tightly holding it together on my last day. Not wanting to realize that this 6-year, life-altering adventure was over. Not wanting to feel anything, express anything, release anything. So I tightly held on to everything I wanted to say. Everything I wanted to feel.
After I left, I felt disappointed. I felt unchanged. I felt like an old habit. I suddenly wanted nothing more than to feel that old psuedo-love.
I work very hard to keep myself hidden in a very remote part of my stomach, and everything else is fake. Manipulating and able to be manipulated.
But everyone needs love and touch and nurturing. So when I needed that in the past, I had sex. With people I would never see again. Safety in anonymity. Unable to be judged if I'm never to be seen again. And when I found myself in a committed and monogomous long-term relationship, I found it in massage. Pretending to be cared about.
Not quite right. But it's a start.
Anyway, I cancelled. Don't want to be that girl anymore. Don't want to need that psuedo-love. I don't need to pay someone to pretend to care about me. Don't need to pay someone to put up with me.
Fuck.
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