9:55 p.m. - Sunday, Dec. 26, 2010
Too much.
The night air was cold with winter and the streets were quiet. Jamie was early. She sat in her warm car putting the Christmas carols in order. She faithfully attends the Sunday morning services at the UCC to play the piano for them. They have asked her to become a member of the church, but she's only there for the paycheck.
This was Christmas Eve. She especially loves tonight's service. Something about the dark winter night lit up with candles. Something about the haunting melodies of the carols. Something about a poor baby boy bringing hope to the entire world. She loves the tradition . . .not the God.
Everything seemed fine. The service was different with a substitute pastor . . .and a smaller congregation . . .but her parents had driven up for the service and that made her feel good.
After the service, it happened. She was leaving the church with her mom and dad following behind her. Her mom's knees are worse every single time she visits. Her dad turned to offer his help. "Do you need help, dear?" he asked her. Jamie's mom is stubborn. And prideful. "No, thanks . . .do YOU need help?" An innocent response it seemed to Jamie. A little defensive, maybe. Maybe deflecting the indication that she's getting older and actually might need help soon. But not mean. Not sarcastic. But it caused something in Jamie's dad to snap. "Don't be such a smart alec," he growled at her.
Jamie flushed with embarrasment that he would talk to her in that tone on the steps of the church . . .in front of the people she sees every week. She kept walking . . .not turning to respond to what had just happened. Ignoring it. Such a short transaction. But it opened a well of pain in Jamie. Anger, sadness, confusion.
She hates how angry her father gets. How mean. How loud. How defensive. "Oh everything's MY fault," he shouts. As an adult, she realizes that there is a history of events that have unfolded in the lives of her mom and dad. But her family is so secretive . . .so protective of their emotions . . .she never knows what's really going on. What are they really thinking? What's really happening? She knows that in her childhood, her mom had been saving money to buy her a piano. And her dad's twin sister had been having trouble paying the bills at the house she lived in - where her dad grew up. So her dad borrowed the money from the piano fund to help his sister. And her mom never forgave him for taking the money. And Jamie's mom knows how to hold a grudge.
So Jamie's mom helped drive a wedge between her dad and his family. And her dad resented her for it. Jamie's aunt paid back the money with interest. But the piano never came to be. Jamie's mom grew up on a farm with very little money. Never had store-bought clothes. So she worked hard to earn a master's degree and a middle-income wage. Now she shows love through materialistic means. When Jamie's friend killed himself, her mom sent her to get her nails done. Even though a hug and a person to sit next to at the funeral might have been what she really needed. She put the family into severe credit card debt. Her dad dealth with their financial problems and the family feud by drinking his anger. He drank and drank, and got angrier and angrier.
And Jamie is sure it is much more complicated than that. This little bit she learned from her brother. She pushes it away. Tries to keep the peace. Doesn't want to take their money. Doesn't need anything from them. Doesn't want to cause trouble. Doesn't want to be a source of instigation. Doesn't ask questions. Just keeps pretending everything is OK.
Too much to keep going. Too much. Too much.
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