9:08 p.m. - Friday, Dec. 17, 2010
Control
Today I learned that I do things for other people to control them. I cleaned off your car last winter to control you. Because I love you and don't want you to leave me. So if I make you dinner and organize the bills and pay to fix your car, you'll forgive me when I don't want to have sex with you because of my baggage. I spent that semester in Morristown to control you. Because I loved you and didn't want you to leave me. I had only ever experienced abusive relationships. With you, I was able to be myself. I felt like I needed that, and - I was afraid when you found a boy to love you, you wouldn't need me anymore. I come in on my days off and stay late and do way more than I should for the bank and the people who work there because I want them to love me. I do it to control them. If I keep working hard and do all the reports and everything else - they'll need me there because they'll feel like they can't do it on their own. I'm interested in you so you'll feel special when you're around me. I do it to control you. So you'll want to be around me. I gave you that keyboard because I wanted to control you. Because I turned you into a representation of what I needed emotionally and physically but was too damaged to ask for from someone who really knew and loved me. I wanted you to want to be around me so I could feed my need for touch without the burden of real relationship.
And all that from an innocent and objective third party observation. And that's why it works.
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