9:56 p.m. - Monday, Feb. 22, 2010
Touch
You can tell the semester is well under way because I haven't written for me in almost two weeks.
My body wasn't mine. I wasn't in control. I was in the palm of his hand and no one was there to help me. They were laughing, and it was my body that was exposed. So they had to be laughing at my body. Something had to be wrong with my body. And since that day, I have vowed to be control. I must hold myself in a certain way at all times - so that I can do everything in my power to manipulate other people's opinions of me. So that I may be good. It's like a penance.
I have covered up my emotion with food so that I am not vulnerable. So that people will stay away. It's hard to be with people now. It's hard to be real. It's hard to connect. It's hard to be touched.
I know the source and I know my experiences thus far. I know the problem. Now I'm looking for the solution. One thing that has really helped has been exploring my spirituality. I feel more centered. I feel more in tune with what I want from my life.
There's nothing like the physical touch of another. But it's so uncomfortable for me . . .because I have such shame attached to my body. It feels wrong to be touched. When I feel the loving and genuine touch of another person . . .I feel so full of emotion.
Ok . . .enough of this for one night.
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