10:08 a.m. - Monday, Oct. 19, 2009
Reminiscing.
I was taking a hot cookie sheet out of the oven last night when a strange urge from the past overcame me. I longed for my skin to brush against the pan. A quick burst of surprise and pain. Pain physically manifested will help clarify pain internally suppressed. This is pain. There is no question. But inside, what is it? Is it anger? Is it jealousy? Is it sadness? Is it fear? I don't know what it is because I don't want to know. I don't want anyone else to know either. If it's not happiness and sunshine, it's unacceptable. These are my own rules, I guess. I must be only good so that I am acceptable to those around me. If I were not, I would be ridiculed and shunned. Because I am not good enough. Because I am ugly internally and externally. My body is my karmic retribution.
Try hard to cover it up, but it will show through.
My body has suffered at my own hands.
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