4:11 p.m. - Sunday, Sept. 16, 2012
Hare Krishna
I was distracted by what I felt were more pressing matters . . .like writing names on craft sticks. But I glanced up to observe the "New Teacher Chart of Emotions" that the facilitator had flashed on the big screen projector. According to the chart, we're currently drowning. Barely keeping our heads above water. Surviving. In a month or two, we'll hit bottom. Disillusionment. Despair. And if we can hold on, we'll reach reflection and rejuvination by the end of the year.
Yes, that feels about right.
Oh lady. What the hell were you thinking? The ego. The dharma. The suffering. Whatever it is. It pushes us forward. Always seeking, seeking, seeking . . .never satisfied. Never ever satisfied. Are any of us ever satisfied? Krishna told Arjuna that whether he liked it or not, he had to follow his dharma . . .That it was better to fail at your own dharma than to succeed in someone else's. But how do we know what our dharma is? What is the dharma? I'm on the battlefield . . .where is Krishna?
Rest comes only in the movement of the feet on the concrete. And the body on the mat. Movement sets the mind free. I know this. I know that the more I push, the more freedom I will feel. I can push the body, I can push the mind . . .but I can't push the heart. This is the beauty of the drug. The appeal. I was in the heart whether I wanted it or not, because the drug took the barrier away. How can I have it without the drug?
What is the difference between desire and addiction? What is the difference between introspection and avoidance?
What are the steps I need to take to get what I want? If there was a manual, a guide, a 12-step plan . . .I would follow it today. I would drop everything. I would sacrifice everything. To stop this 25-year cycle.
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