7:48 p.m. - Sunday, Aug. 26, 2012
Bhakti Yoga
A year ago, I came to this workshop numb. Close to releasing the body - and with it the mind, the soul, the light - back into the Universe. And buying time by escaping from the body with a hallucinogenic drug. I weighed 265 pounds and I held on tightly. Chanted to the harmonium, stretched in Downward Dog, but held tightly enough that the emotion rising up from my stomach into my throat stopped there. I sat in the shadow of Krishna while the others danced to the union of Ram and Sita. And I loved being there, but I was not completely there.
This afternoon, I showed up again. But this time, I was really there. Everything changed after the 60 days of fasting. Since then, I spent many hours in connection with my body. Feeling it. Feeling it when it hurt, when it was strong, when it was weak, when it felt pleasure. When it was hungry, when it was full. When it ran 8 miles. When it could not hold its own weight. The harmonium hummed, the drums pulsed, and the electric bass drove us through our sun salutations. Sweat dripped from my face and chest and arms and back as I prepared to balance the weight of my body on my arms. I leaned onto my arms and felt the strength, and I tightened my abs and began to balance, and the last piece . . .the last piece of Crow Pose. I had faith that I could do it. I lifted my feet, and my 195-pound body was hovering above the floor.
I sank back into Child's Pose and didn't want to hold it in - the way I would have a year ago. I cried. Tears and sweat dripped onto the mat. I was open. I was open here. The way I thought only a drug could make me open.
My heart,
What are you yearning for?
Expression, voice, visibility, authenticity, fearlessness, truth, understanding, receiving, giving, touching, living, breathing, joy, peace.
My heart,
What's in the way?
The tightness, the body, the throat, the judgment, the past, the future, the stars, the fear, the pain.
Life,
What do you have to tell me at this moment?
You are strength and beauty and love. Open. So others can open. Love so others can love. You have the strength to do that. Fearlessness. No one can hurt you if you love yourself. Keep asking. Keep asking. Keep asking. Be fearless. Be fearless. Be fearless.
I held my palms to my heart. I feel you beating. My heart. My life.
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