10:00 p.m. - Sunday, Aug. 05, 2012
The Retreat
I had moments of calm, moments of excitement, and moments of panic. It would be a lie to say that the thought of backing out at the last minute and forfeiting my deposit money had not crossed my mind. It did. But she died in February and I'm here now.
This is a week-long intensive retreat. A professional development opportunity. An opportunity to dip my toe in the water of a potential PhD.
After four months of implementing philosophy circles with my preschool class twice a week, I overheard them talking about God one morning over breakfast. On their own. Where was God, and what happens when you die, and does your physical body go up or down, and do you turn into another type of being - like an angel? It was an affirmation in this work. In philosophy for preschool.
So I'm here. In a convent. Thinking with a group of people from all over the world. And then thinking about our thinking. All day. Every day. For 8 days.
But it's deeper than this. There's an entire level of experience under the surface. An opportunity to practice self-acceptance. I'm not the one who will sit in the common rooms looking for people to chit chat with. I'm not the one who will organize group trips into town. I'm not the one who will have stories to tell at lunch.
I am the one who will go back to my room and read during breaks. I am the one who will skip breakfast to run on the paths in the woods. I am the one who will speak when spoken to. Contemplative, polite, but not social. Maybe not even inviting.
And it's OK. This is OK. I enjoy the quiet of the garden view. I enjoy the "parallel play." I'll play beside you - but not with you. Because I don't know how to enter your space or allow you into mine. I feel safer here. And that's who I am today, and that's exactly perfect. Because it is what is.
And in this acceptance, I find the peace in this space, the joy in being here, the fulfillment of this work, the expansiveness of my thinking, and the courage to contribute in my way to the group.
And this is only day two. I must be experiencing metacognitive overload . . .Maybe I should think about the way I'm thinking about my thinking. Or just go to bed. Because I'm exhausted.
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