3:32 p.m. - Saturday, Jul. 07, 2012
Yoga
I sat shivering in the freezing cold Minute Clinic, waiting to hear the results of my mandatory TB test. I was obsessively checking my phone, watching one minute turn into 60. Finally I sighed and kicked at the air in frustration. No restorative yoga for me tonight. I've been on a religious schedule of running and yoga since the end of the Juice Fast in April. I run three times a week - heat wave, thunderstorm, hell, or high water. I go to yoga three times a week - late work nights, interviews, or final assignments due in the last weeks of my master's degree program. My fear is that if I stray from my schedule, I'll fall back into old patterns that are dead to me now. So now what?
I had to get into another yoga class before the weekend. But the only classes offered on Fridays are level 2/3. I know I don't have the upper body strength to hang with the hardcore yogis. But I needed to show up in honor of myself. So I showed up with the intention that I would push when I could and rest when I couldn't.
When we balanced on the sides of our feet and twisted our arms into the air, when we squatted and lifted and lunged and moved - instead of thinking, "I can't do this" . . .I thought, "Let's see what happens when I try."
I was amazed by the strength in my body. Strength I didn't know I had. I was amazed in my balance. In my ability to keep up.
I really don't have the upper body strength to do everything a level 2/3 yogi can do - but at one point, I was balanced on a block leaning onto my hands and feeling the muscles tightening in the backs of my arms . . .and I felt such a connection and awe for my own body. Such a gratitude. Gratitude for the sweat dripping down my face and onto my mat. Gratitude for the trembling muscles. Gratitude for the heat of the space and the people in it. Gratitude for having to wait at the CVS pharmacy and thus missing my regular yoga class. Gratitude for the years of hating my body - so that in this moment, loving it was such a profound sensation that I felt close to crying.
And now, 24 hours later, I am grateful for the sweet sensation of muscles rebuilding from yesterday's intense workout. What an amazing feeling. I can't wait to have it again.
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