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11:14 p.m. - Wednesday, Jul. 04, 2012 It was exactly what I wanted. When I orgasm I feel out of control, exposed, vulnerable . . .like a piece of me has been taken away. Stolen. It makes me angry. Withdrawn. Mean. Regretful. So to keep my orgasm was to keep my power. I took a shower later that night and orgasmed alone. I still could not think of him. I could only think of them. And worse. I imagine things I would never really want. And this thought pattern is in direct opposition to my current transformation. Isn't it? I was desperate to leave my body. Desperate. Everything I did was an attempt to punish the body I hated. But the fast, the yoga, the running, the veganism . . .they are reflections of . . .maybe not love . . .but at least gratitude for the body. If I want gratitude and love, is it helpful . . .or healthy . . .or safe . . .or useful . . .to have the dark, isolated orgasms of the past? Do they hold me back or are they . . .just what they are? And what's the compromise? This isn't what he wants - it's what I want. And if he gives me what I want, what does he get in return? Do I grit my teeth and hold the anger in the pit of my stomach . . .in my clenched fists . . .to orgasm for him once in a while? Is that a fair trade? Not to sound unhappy. I actually feel satisfied. I can't believe it was that easy to get what I wanted . . . � � |