9:17 p.m. - Sunday, Jul. 01, 2012
Power and Surrender
When I was a teenager, I felt unlovable. I always believed there was something fundamentally wrong with my character, and in trying to hide my internal flaws - I ate my emotions. And that turned into external flaws. And eventually the web was so tangled I didn't know what started when or how. I was just unlovable. So I loved that which loved me. Even when it wasn't good for me. It made me feel powerless. And soon I learned that sex could give me back that power. Sex could give me control.
Half the pleasure was in the power. The other half was in feeding the belief I was worthless. I had something they wanted - and it was up to me to determine if they earned it or not. Conversely, I was worthless - but for two lumps on my chest and the wet space between my legs. So I offered these up to be used and violated. And something in the act of surrendering my most sacred spaces to men who didn't give a shit about me made me tense with pleasure. Use me. That's what I'm good for.
And this is how I learned to have sex. So it feels dirty. It feels like darkness. How can I engage in this act with someone who loves me? It feels better to be with people who don't know me. Can't judge me. Can't use my vulnerability against me.
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