9:58 p.m. - Tuesday, May. 29, 2012
Gratitude
When you said I was playing a game, it stayed with me. I was annoyed that you said it because it felt like someone was blowing my cover. I felt violated. Discovered. I knew you were right, but couldn�t figure out exactly what the game was. I still can�t be sure, but I�ve realized that I take pride in the fact that I�m emotionally unavailable. I like that I don�t feel close to people, that people don�t feel close to me. I liked that I was so good at shutting down any kind of emotional response to anything that I had myself fooled. I couldn�t even tell how I was really feeling, I was that far removed from myself. I put myself in situations where the goal is to open the heart, and feel like I�ve won if I remain intact. Shut down. And even better, if I can get the other party to feel something.
And the other thing that stayed with me was when you pinched my arm. And said, �What�s this?� It was everything I wouldn�t feel, showing up in other ways. Betraying me, really. Which I hated. I wanted to be so in control, that losing control over something that had physical repercussions was infuriating. I despised myself. And I wanted so badly to escape this prison of a body that death seemed like peace. And I think you gave me a little bit of that peace. Peace in the form of escape from this reality. Peace in the form of freedom to express emotion.
Sometimes I feel desperate to have that again. I wish I could convey how good it felt to cry on your floor. It felt like freedom. Since the summer, I put my head down and worked really hard � not thinking too much. Just worked. And then in February I started a 60-day juice fast. And everything changed for me. I couldn�t use food anymore to cover things up, to numb things away, to pretend things weren�t happening. Food became love instead of hate. And I became worthy of life. I think I�m much more open than I was . . .and without the drug of food to control my emotions, I�m more prone to authentic expression, even when I don�t want it.
I think I was born a quieter person. A more internal person. And I feel jealous of people who seem to be so easily outgoing, so easily open about who they are. Because even now, I feel very closed. More open than before, but still holding on to something. I debate whether I need acceptance or change. Do I accept that some people are born with certain personality traits � and accept that I am just genetically not a socially comfortable person? Or can people change? If I practice hard enough, can I leave that old personality behind and pick up a new one?
And maybe neither one of those things matters at all. I just want you to know I'm feeling gratitude for having met you.
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