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7:24 p.m. - Monday, Jun. 27, 2011
Tangled
There was something impressed upon me that moment behind the shed. That moment I felt humiliation when they laughed at my vulnerable body.

And maybe that led to the layers of fat. The protection of food. The comfort of the soft flesh. The regulation produced by the hormones which released with each sweet treat.

And maybe that led to the feeling that I wasn't quite good enough. I should apologize for my ugly body. I should apologize for my addiction. I am not as good a person as you. And everyone can see it.

And maybe that led to an abusive relationship which I could not leave. I could not leave, because who else would love me? The pain, the lonliness . . .I had to endure it in order to experience being loved. And as much as I logically knew this relationship was unhealthy for me, unhealthy for him, unhealthy for my family - I did not leave.

And maybe that led to a defensive nature in which I cannot allow myself to fully express or connect to others. I do not want to become dependent upon another relationship. So I pick fights, or become passive aggressive, or stop returning the phone calls of people I love - because I need to prove to myself - and to them - that I do not need them. I need to prove that at any time, I can lose the relationship and survive.

But in reality, I want to love and be loved. I want to care and be cared for. I want to touch and be touched. I want to live in community . . .to support and be supported.

So I have this need. And I can ask people to help me untangle the mess that keeps me from fulfilling this need. And thereby, I get a little piece of that caring support.

So the thought of being strong and unafraid and confident and powerful is actually very scary. And maybe I resist untangling the mess because I'm afraid that means I won't need those people to support me anymore. I will no longer be worthy of being cared about.

And even though logically, that doesn't make sense . . .It keeps me from really trying.

So I'm really trying anyway.

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