5:30 p.m. - Saturday, Mar. 12, 2011
Faint
We were told to bring something to read while we waited our turn, but that it shouldn't last too long. I arrived at a quarter to 11 in the morning, armed with my laptop and half a bottle of water. At 4:30pm, I was just leaving the building.
I had to fight traffic to meet friends for dinner. We waited two hours for a table. I had very little to eat, and less to drink all day.
I was seated in the corner, because I don't generally need to get up to go to the bathroom. It was hot. I had one glass of water, but the place was so busy - the waitress never came back to refill my glass. I needed water, but didn't want to ask. I was hot, but didn't want to ask anyone to move so I could get outside.
That's when my hearing started to fade. I suddenly felt like I was under water. My muscles were suddenly weak and I tried to rest my head on my hands, supported by my elbows on the table. I knew I needed to get up. Finally, I asked if the people to my right could get up so I could go to the bathroom.
As I stood up, the room went dark and I fell back into the chair. My belongings dropped to the floor, and someone was checking to see if I had been hurt. I felt an ice pack on my neck and the much-needed glass of water appeared in front of me. As soon as I took a drink, I felt my life return. Someone commented later that I had looked extremely pale and as soon as I drank the water, the color returned to my face.
It was completely humiliating, but also very revealing. Sometimes it takes physical representations like this to clarify my internal struggle.
This is how I operate. I do not ask for what I need because I believe I should be fundamentally independent or because I don't want to feel like a burden on others. I needed a glass of water, but at the expense of my own health, did not ask.
I need help changing this lifestyle I have built for myself. I need help moving past the trauma that keeps me guarded and isolated in relationships - and I need help changing this pattern of abuse I put upon my body.
Ugh. In my effort to keep my needs hidden from others, I created a scene in which I became completely dependent on the help of those around me. And it was so embarrassing! Stupid, stupid girl.
�
�
