9:02 p.m. - Friday, Jan. 28, 2011
The Last Ditch
I tossed and turned last night, unable to sleep . . .stricken with panic. Due to an appointment with the doctor this afternoon to get a TB test so I can be a teacher. Hate doctors. Ultimately fell asleep after tearing at my thigh for no reason. I'm a winner.
I owe it to myself to stop resisting change and to start creating a practice of practicing. I mean, you can't throw in the towel until you have authentically tried everything.
So step one, I have to give away a prized possession. I chose an old Morgan silver dollar from 1900. I'm giving it to someone who will treasure it. I feel good about it. I don't think I'm attached to much . . .except the idea that I am not enough.
Things I Love about Life:
Walking in the cold winter air.
Driving in the summer with the windows down.
The candles in the windows of the historic buildings on Main Street at Christmas.
Good movies.
Seeing my car at the end of a 3-day hike through the Appalachians.
Music.
Jeffrey falling asleep on my lap.
Events I Still Feel Angry About/Need to Process:
Having my self-esteem shattered before I was even fully self-aware. Never feeling like I had a normal body - even when I did.
Staying in an abusive relationship and ultimately creating a sex=power dynamic which has screwed up my sexuality.
The fact that my parents did not intervene when I wasn't speaking, when it was discovered that we had been touched, when I was in a fucked-up relationship, when my hair was pink and I had pierced my face, when I was failing out of college.
My obsessive-compulsive/addictive/self-destructive tendencies. The self-mutilation, the random sex, the quest for psuedo-love.
Lack of connection. Inability to communicate . . .sexual anorexia . . .the panic. Relationships.
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