11:19 p.m. - Friday, Aug. 06, 2010
Same-Sex Porn
It's one of those can't-do-anything-to-make-yourself-feel-worthy-of-living kinda days. One of those everything-I-play-write-say-feel-is-shit kinda days. So what do I do with myself on days such as this? Masturbate.
After a lame attempt to clean the bathroom, and then promptly giving up on cleaning altogether . . .I crawled into bed in the middle of the afternoon to watch clips from "Real Sex" on HBO and feel sorry for myself.
There were two episodes available . . .one on kink and one on same-sex porn. Hmm . . .both tempting topics . . .but as a closeted lesbian and gay man trapped in a psuedo-straight woman's body . . .I opted for same-sex porn.
I have two burning sexual desires.
One, to have sex with a girl. I love girls and I fear girls. I have never been able to be physically or emotionally close to girls because maybe I'm secretly afraid my fantasies will spill out unintentionally. What if they can see me looking at their boobs, or sense that I'm getting a little tingly down below when their arm brushes mine? So I gravitate towards guys. Guys, I understand. Guys, I can control. Try to keep the ladies at a distance.
But seriously . . .I want to kiss the soft lips of another girl. Tongue against tongue . . .Feel her breast in my mouth, grabbing the other in my hand . . .Soft skin, gentle touch, pretty smell. I want to lick her clit and taste her vagina.
It makes me incredibly sad to realize that this may never happen.
So fantasy number two? To fuck a guy with a strap-on. You may or may not know that I can't cum without imagining being totally dominated and humiliated. Usually by an older man.
I think that's why I have a thing for gay porn. I mean, that's the ultimate domination . . .one guy overpowering another and taking what he wants from him . . .turning him into his plaything. I love to watch guys kissing. I love to watch guys sticking their dicks up other guys' asses. Love the grunting. I imagine I'm a little boy, being dominated by the big, strong animalistic man.
But there's a part of me that wants to act out my fantasy in the third person. Let the guy represent me, and I'll be the aggressor. And I'll dominate him with my strap-on. Then I can see myself in the form of a man, and do what I would have a man do to me, if I were a man.
So, so complicated. I would love to have open, honest, judgment-free conversations with other people about their fantasies . . .but I don't know if I could actually own up to this shit.
So after watching lots of girl-on-girl, boy-on-boy, hot, same-sex porn . . .I couldn't resist pulling out my pink dildo for the first time in probably a month, at least.
No sooner had I dropped my pants and propped one leg up on the computer desk, with the head of the dildo inserted into my vagina and my hand on the "play" button of my favorite old-man-fucks-the-shit-out-of-a-younger-girl porno . . .when the doorbell rings. Fucking Jehovah's Witnesses . . .seriously? Like they could sense the sin emanating from my front door.
You know, I think Jesus would approve.
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