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4:32 p.m. - Sunday, Jun. 06, 2010
In fury raging stout . . .
I was nervous yesterday morning . . .didn't want anyone to talk to me . . .too many people . . .too crowded . . .

The first mile was entirely up hill. "I can't do this," I thought. I haven't been running on hills. I was pushing my way up the last hill, my face flushed, sweat dripping, heart heavy, breath strangled . . .when the clearing appeared. Views of the Appalachians . . .the farms . . .the animals . . .the blue sky . . .the white clouds. Amazing. And my breath came back. And we were running side by side. And we crossed the finish line together. I didn't stop to walk once. And I ran the 5k faster than ever before. I felt free. Powerful.

I try to be good to people. I try to be patient . . .respectful. I try to be nice and non-confrontational. We have such limited time on Earth. And we experience so much pain, lonliness . . .such angry people. I'm not a saint. I've hurt my fair share of people. Let people die without ever saying I was sorry . . .Didn't have time for people . . .Snapped at people . . .Used people. But I love the way it feels to smile at someone, be kind to them . . .and feel that they appreciate it. You can feel it. It's tangible. And I don't want to be here . . .a banker . . .no use for my "higher education" . . .But maybe while I'm here, I can be that small light. That easy part of an otherwise difficult day.

I'm listening to the Vaughn Williams on repeat. Each swell of the double string orchestra eating away at my soul. Forcing me to recognize my place on this planet.

I don't know how to fix this without hurting in some way. I can fix it by hurting him . . .or fix it by hurting me. Thinking about it makes me sick, so I think I'll stop . . .Which he would say is typical of me . . .just ignore it until it goes away. I've lived my life by that mantra. Just ignore it.

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