10:24 p.m. - Tuesday, Apr. 13, 2010
Aubade
I was surprised by the sudden onset of panic. Usually it comes in swells. Beginning with a palpatation of the heart and climaxing into a deafening pounding in the ears and a gasping for air . . .and then subsiding again.
But a few days ago, it came. Hard. I couldn't sleep last night. I couldn't focus. I tripped over my own feet as I pulled on my black dress this morning and hypervenilated into the mirror while I tried to brush on some blush.
Nothing was working. I went into the practice room, but I couldn't do scales. I played the Gnossienne, then the Aubade, then the Schumann, then the Aubade, then the Gnossienne, then the Aubade. Then the Aubade, Aubade, Aubade. How many times can you play b minor, D major, b minor, D major? Hundreds.
To be honost, I felt sexy. I cut my hair short and dyed it dark brown. I wore a tight black dress over my 35-pound-lighter body. My pale skin felt illuminated with a light touch of pink on my cheeks and a neutral gloss on my lips.
I smiled. I bowed. I accidentally sighed at the piano before I started . . .so much pent up angst. I counted off in my head . . .one tick tick . . .two tick tick . . .And I was off and rolling.
I can't hear what I'm playing. I know for sure I played an e instead of an f at one point. Thank you, Satie, for being harmonically complex enough to make it still sound like quite possibly it could have actually been an e that you wrote.
I bowed. I left the stage. I got a lot of compliments. My teacher said I looked stunning and that I have never played so beautifully. And then we quickly got to work on the Schumann and reality kicked in . . .
I don't care. This is me. I'm weird, I'm isolated, I'm guarded. I'm funny sometimes without meaning to be. I'm careful not to intentionally hurt people. I often hurt them anyway. I care how you feel sometimes and don't give a shit about you at others. I'm endlessly selfish and hate myself for it. My anger rages - and is mostly turned inward. I don't believe I have talents or qualities worthwhile to the human race . . .but I desperately want to be useful in this lifetime. I'm going to do my best. I will endlessly do my best.
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