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8:09 p.m. - Sunday, Jan. 10, 2010
Banks are Shit
I arrive an hour after the bank opens on Sunday mornings because I have a second job playing the piano for a church. It has been this way for the past four years. When I arrive, I usually arrive to chaos. It's very busy, they haven't been able to get the vault open yet, and stuff just needs to get done. I don't mess around when I walk through that door. I help move the money, I make sure the tellers have everything they need, and I make sure the lines are taken care of. When I finally get to open my e-mail - it's usually an hour later.

So an hour passes and I've just started to open my e-mail when I get a nasty call from the manager. Why haven't I read her e-mail? Why didn't I track sales yesterday? She needs this,this,this,this,this,this and she needs it NOW. And I am pretty much the dirt on her shoes and if I speak a word in my defense she'll drive the nails through my wrists herself.

I work my ass off for that stupid place. I hate it. I hate myself when I'm there. It's killing me. I can list the reasons why her e-mail wasn't read yet . . .but why bother.

I feel worthless when I'm there. I feel like I have to sacrifice my individuality, my spirit, my beliefs, my humanity. And the suckiest thing of all is that I KNOW that I'm doing a good job. I know that I do my best. Maybe not 100% of the time - because I am human and I get tired and sometimes I just sit for a minute without working. But 95% of the time I'm doing my best.

On Friday, I was so tired of being pulled in a hundred directions, so tired of being walked on, so tired of smiling when I wanted to scream . . .I almost broke. I took my full hour lunch break . . .which I normally sacrifice for the benefit of the store. I drove home, burned the incense, took off my shoes, and did yoga. And for a little while, I felt better. Is it me? How can I keep control? How do I respond when nothing will be the right answer?

I'm so afraid of having to work here forever. Please, Vishnu, help me.

I hate this world.

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