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11:59 p.m. - Tuesday, Dec. 15, 2009
The Jury is Out
It comes in swells, like waves in the ocean. A nervous flutter turns into an overwhelming storm of emotion. When I enter the practice room, with my fingers on the keys, I feel calm. When I leave, peace stays only a short time before the waves come crashing down.

Satie:
It starts with me, innocent - repetative. Naive.

He enters, swooning, charismatic. Older. Don't leave. Don't go to bed, yet. He's falling in love.

We talk, we stumble. He finds things he doesn't like. He fights them. He fights me. Anger.

But love conquers all and he reaches acceptance. His faults, once subtle - become glaring. He bangs on the door, begging me to come out. I fade away. After I have gone, he remains . . .alone.

Chopin:
He seems confident. He seems invincible. Arrogant, even. But he wrestles with dark demons that we all know exist, but don't acknowledge. We don't help him.

Clarity. He knows what action he must take. He takes the medication, drinks the alcohol. Hoping he never wakes up. Anger, rage, fear, disappointment, loneliness, regret . . .things we all feel - but they overwhelm him and he is overcome. He gets his wish. He doesn't wake up.

I sit in the classroom, taking a final exam. I look out the window and see the snow falling. So gentle, so peaceful. One more final and I'll be done with the hardest semester of my life. I don't yet know what he has done. It's ironic how peaceful one person can feel when another is suffering so violently.

I hear the news. I accept the passing. I feel grief, regret, loneliness. Helplessness. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. He believes he has destroyed this negative emotion by taking his physical life . . .but he has merely transferred it to those he once loved. And those who loved him will bear his cross.
__

I know I'm not as prepared as I have been in the past. But I don't want perfection. It's not the memory, or the flawlessness that I'm seeking. It's only this: to convey the emotion. To be naked on that stage. To let them see me. To give them music.

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